Someone told me recently that you “have fingernails, you are not fingernails”. This statement really put things in perspective for me. I have Bipolar Disorder, I am not Bipolar Disorder. I think it is easy to say, “I’m bipolar”. It’s easy to define yourself by making a declarative statement like that, but it doesn’t really define who you are. It is a condition that you have, but it doesn’t make up your whole being.
I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a mother to a fur baby. I am not simply bipolar. It is so easy for someone to define you as such, but I don’t think it’s fair to put someone in a box like that. My condition does not define me and I have worked hard to realize that. It is one component to my existence that I am able to manage.
I don’t have a job right now. My bipolar disorder has put that aspect of my life on hold, but I’m looking and applying for jobs constantly. It is frustrating, especially considering the current state of the economy. I will find something eventually. I am educated and talented and driven. I just dropped my basket and have been working continuously to try and regain some semblance of normal.
I don’t have the creativity that I used to have prior to my diagnosis. As I mentioned before, I used to be very creative and had tons of energy. This isn’t just the mania. I have creativity in my bones. The problem is that my medication has kind of put that aspect of my brain to sleep. It is frustrating because ideas used to come easy to me and now I have to struggle to find something that is truly above and beyond. Like right now, as I am writing this, my voice sounds flat in my head. I sound boring.
You want to hear a joke? Well, I don’t have one. I’ll have to get back to you on that. I don’t want this blog to be super somber and I promise that I am going to be more creative with my posts and reveal what I went through and experienced with my break and coming out of it.
For example, the color of the cars driving down the street really affected my psyche. I thought each color meant something and was determining whether or not I was being watched/going to be okay. That truly is a story for another day.
Right now I’m just working out the cobwebs in my brain. I will get back into the rhythm of blogging again. I will find my creative voice and I hope to bring a laugh or two to those who stumble across these written words of mine. It is just going to take time.
I’m eating my elephant one bite at a time right now. I’m a little full, but maybe as time passes I’ll be more hungry for the deliciousness that is an elephant (not that I have ever tasted an elephant, nor do I want to). You get the idea.