I’m sharing with you today a piece I wrote on my old blog just after my mental break. I was still extremely manic and angry and confused. This post doesn’t make much sense to someone just coming in from nowhere and picking up my story. Reading this post now, 3+ years later, I am reminded of how truly out of my mind I was. I’m simply offering this as evidence to my declined mental health. In it, I say that I am a “whole person”. That is the farthest thing from the truth given the point I was at when I wrote this. Please be kind…
connect the cause and effect
one foot in front of the next
this is the start of a journey
– Gnarls Barkley, Going On
It’s been a while since I’ve written you a love note, but please rest assured that I still love you more than the moon and the stars. I love my peeps in LA and TX, and boy do I have peeps! I never realized how my sparkles and sunshine put a smile on some peoples’ faces. That really makes me feel loved, knowing that people are laughing at with me as I stumble my way through becoming a full fledged New Orleanian and honoring my strong, “Remember the ALAMO!” approach to life. I wear my Fleur De Lis pin with pride, like a badge of honor. I’ve earned those stripes now. I’m a whole person and the “finishing school” that I was enrolled in for the past 6 weeks held up a gorgeous mirror and assisted me in my transition into who I want to be when I have finished cleaning out my house.
I just thought I knew what it means to miss MY New Orleans. MY New Orleans is EVERYONE’s New Orleans and that’s why I love you, NOLA. You give everyone a gracious, southern hug and a hankie when he or she needs a good cry in the proverbial bubble bath. You even feed your “chickens” filling comfort foods and tight squeezes of the hand. To top it off, every member of the restaurant/hotel/hospitality industry is kinetically infused into the pulse of this city. Combined with the efforts of the N.O.P.D. and major shake-ups in city government, and I have a front row seat to a fascinating study in city planning. I am learning the world by observing your constant adjustments to your gumbo recipe.
Let me say this: I’ve always been a bit of a Nervous Nelly. I’m really shy and overcompensate with my loud, VIVA LE TEJAS! attitude. I have also spent my life with the knowledge that the world IS my stage. I just have a hard time differentiating between “front of house” and “back of house”. I have a slightly better understanding of the pulse and mojo going on in Southeastern LA, but by no means do I claim to know anything except what my mom and dad, friends and family have told me and through my own experiences here.
Thank you, New Orleans, for giving me a TIME OUT! so I could tuck in my slip properly. During my time out, I learned a lot about myself. I really AM a Nervous Nancy and my doctors made me realize that a 5′ 9″ woman in her early 30s should weigh more than 115 lbs. Watching the movie BLACK SWAN stirred up some serious self-image issues that I had been mashing down in my Pandora’s box of troubles.
I now have my own label and it doesn’t feel good. I am an anorexic former ballerina who really needs to eat a sandwich. I’m working with my super-fab team of doctors and mi familia now to get back to MY TRUE strong, West-Texan tumbleweed roots, cross bred with your live oak trees, NOLA.
After all, I’ve always been a little bit Texan AND a little bit New Orleanian.
I hope you can continue to take me as I am, ’cause I’m not ready to throw in the towel.
Peace Be With You . . .