Did You Know I Could Be…

I have a good rapport with my psychiatrist.  I trust him completely and I feel like he lets me be in the driver’s seat of my journey with Bipolar Disorder.  I have been seeing him since I returned from my sabbatical in Texas.  He is very knowledgeable and calm and all the things you want your psychiatrist to be.  He spends about 30 minutes with me each appointment, which is not what I had experienced previously with my other doctors.  He really talks to me and jokes with me and I am really lucky to have found someone so very much in my corner.

That being said, I have lately been feeling like I want a little mania in my life.  Irresponsible thoughts really.  I take medication to balance me out, but I have yet to find my true happy self since this has happened.  I always have that depression lurking in the background and it makes me sad to think that I will never be the spontaneous girl who moved to New Orleans on a whim and a dream.  But, I want to change that.  It is just going to take a lot on my part to find that joy from within.

My medication consists of one pill to control the mania and one pill to control the depression.  That equals a well adjusted individual.  I don’t feel as balanced as I should be because I still have anxiety.  I have another pill I take to quiet my nerves, which is a big help.  When I feel anxious, it makes me feel like I’m having my break all over again.  I probably shouldn’t rely on this magic pill for everything, but it’s what works and I’m sticking to it.  I don’t use it all the time, just when I am feeling anxious, which is about 2 -3 times every two weeks.  Not a whole lot of pills on that part.

Back to mania.  I think I want the mania because I want that uptick in energy and self confidence.  My self confidence is rock bottom right now which is making me kind of stall out in what I am supposed to be doing (i.e. finding a job).  Perhaps I am just making excuses, but I am so afraid of being fired from another job.  I have a pattern of this happening and I could try to go on disability, . but I’m not disabled and my doctor would never sign off on that anyway.

I try to put on my best face for my psychiatrist to show that I am functioning well.  I am always afraid he is going to prescribe another medication and I think I am numb enough.  Speaking of numb, it takes me a lot to laugh out loud and to cry.  He recently upped my depression med because I was crying at every little thing.  That is not the way to function so I am happy to have that edge taken off.  But, I want to laugh.  I want to be silly.  I want to dance around my kitchen singing silly songs with my husband.  That hasn’t happened in a long time.  It will come back, but I don’t know when.

I want to be manic but I don’t want to pay the price of being manic which means I would go back to the mental hospital.  Every time you have a mental break, it damages your brain and I don’t want to do any more damage than has already been done.

I guess being an adult means you have to create your own happiness.  Find things that bring you joy.  I’m just having a hard time because I have few real life friends and I like to hide behind my computer.  It’s easier that way and I can create the image that I put out into the world.  I’m not perfect, not in the least respect of that word.  I just want that high of being manic.  My doctor is not going to let that happen and I’m not going to stop taking my meds because the consequences are too great.  It would just be nice to feel good about myself, even for an afternoon.

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5 thoughts on “Did You Know I Could Be…

  1. Kelly, it makes me happy to see you write again so soon. I hope this is helping and just like last spring I find you very brave in your honesty. I don’t know if you have ever read “The Unquiet Mind” by Kay Redfield Jamison but she describes your dilemma perfectly. Keep going strong and know I am but a few hours drive away if you are so inclined to meet. I would be honored to meet you in person.

    • I would love to meet. Where are you if you don’t mind me asking? Perhaps we could meet in the middle or we could just have a day in the Big Easy…not so easy. I’m trying to organize my thoughts a bit and this is what is coming out. I have read “The Unquiet Mind”. It helped me immensely when I was back in Texas. Something I could completely relate to. I only hope to be a successful as she is in her career…

      • I live one the Panhandle of FL a mere three hours away. I lived in New Orleans 50% of the time from 2001-2005 (until Katrina hit) so the city is near and dear to my heart. Whatever is easiest for you. I love N.O. So I am more than happy to head your way, halfway is great and I live a few miles away from some of the best beaches in the world if you want to get out of town for a short road trip. I would be glad to send you my email address so we can make further planes.

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