Can’t Sleep

It’s hot in our house.  We had the air conditioner replaced last fall (ok, our landlord had it replaced) but as the temps are rising here in New Orleans, the air conditioner is not keeping up with the temp we set.  I am annoyed.  I like my house to be frigid when it’s time to sleep – better sleeping weather, I say!  I prefer winter, when we don’t turn on the heater and throw an extra blanket on the bed.  I digress.

The temperature is not the only reason I cannot sleep.  I visited with my psychiatrist last week and told him about me being sleepy during the day time and not being able to sleep at night time.  The day time sleepiness, he couldn’t quite explain other than not getting enough sleep at night.  The night time awake schedule was more up his alley.  My mind races at night.  I think about all the things that were said to me during the day and all the things that were left unsaid.  I explained this to my doctor and he said I am experiencing some anxiety.  It was such a simple explanation and I didn’t really realize that I have been seriously dealing with anxiety for a while now.  I have a medicine I take for anxiety PRN (or as needed) and I try and take it sparingly because I don’t want to build up a tolerance or an addiction.  My doctor doesn’t want that either and prescribes me 2 months worth of pills for 3 months of not seeing him.  In an extreme situation, I could contact the pharmacy and get them to contact him for another prescription, but I don’t want to be THAT patient, so I choose what I take when it’s extreme.

Except, I can’t sleep at night.  My mind is racing.  So, my doctor prescribed me sleeping pills.  The first night they worked kind of okay, but ever since then they have done nothing.  I do believe they keep me asleep during the night (as I would wake multiple times during my sleep), but I am frustrated because I want them to knock me the fuck out.  I don’t think that is how those drugs were designed to work.  I’m not taking Ambien because I was too scared that I would get in the car and drive and not remember it, but given how I have reacted to this particular medication, I say bring on the Ambien.  I’m very frustrated.  I just want to sleep and not fall asleep at work in the mornings.

I actually kind of fell asleep at work during a phone conference meeting and my boss noticed.  I was so embarrassed and he made a note of talking to me about it.  It opened up a whole can of worms, at least in my mind, and I told him my doctor (he doesn’t know what kind of doctor) prescribed me sleeping pills.  It’s not helping.  So, I don’t know if I should continue taking the pills with the hopes that they will help, or give up on them.  I’m not one for taking a pill just because your doctor said you could.  I take pills because my doctor says I have to.  There is a big difference in that.

Also, I’m working in construction as a project manager.  Ok, there, I said it.  I am the only girl/woman/female working in a giant group of men.  They are crass and outspoken and like to tease me.  I should take it as a compliment that they are paying attention to me but my bipolar brain reads into it sometimes like they are frustrated with my existence.

I do like a couple of guys that surround me.  They are always very enthusiastic and call me by my name.  I am still learning their names, but the security guard is my favorite.  He tells me he is looking out for me.  Perhaps he is worried about my safety with all these men, or he is just really nice.  I don’t know but I enjoy our conversations.  He’s a joy.

Ok, I’m going to try to go to sleep now.  I just thought while I was up, I would clue you in on what is currently going on in my world.  I hope you all are happy and safe and well.  I’m trying very hard not to screw up this job.  I appreciate all the well wishes.  xo

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7 thoughts on “Can’t Sleep

  1. Hang in there, Kel, you’ll get it sorted eventually. Yeah, construction is my background too, it can be very hard on the women who want to make it there, good on you for giving it a crack. Good to hear you’ve got your own security on hand, been there, done that for many of the better sex. Thanks for keeping us in the loop. Sleep well, Darl. Rd

    • Thanks, Red. It has been an eye opening experience – these guys don’t hold back and the sexual harassment (not toward me) is pretty extreme. I find myself “clutching my pearls” from time to time from what comes out of these guys mouths. Not something I have ever experienced, but I’m the minority. I just wish I could wind down at night – reminds me of when I was getting sick, just not as extreme. I have to be hyper-aware of that sort of thing. It will work out. I’m thinking of e-mailing my psych doc about the sleeping pills. He responds pretty quickly. How are you doing? Kel

      • Yeah, I’ve had my moments with those guys, I get quite prickly and rather protective of you girls and am not one to leave anyone wondering what’s on my mind…I refuse to believe chivalry is dead haa! I’m not good, more down than up lately, I have good friends though and am relying on them a whole lot lately, even so, I still struggle with feeling desperately alone at times. I have a dark past and get “the list” out when I go downhill like this, I guess I figure homicidal is better than suicidal, right? Still, I’m pretty good on the management front and fully intend to get through this. As will you, darlin’, you will too.

  2. I once had a job where I am the only woman in a large group of guys (telecommunications, very early days of the Internet. I was the office support). I mostly loved it, the men were brilliant and I didn’t get any of the nastiness you can get with a heavily female environment. In fact probably the worst job I ever had was on a wedding magazine working only with women! Anyway I can’t really help with the sleep or the anxiety other than to say keep going, you’re doing amazingly. Does it help to write things down at night before you go to sleep? A diary or even just a to do list for the next day?

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