It’s hot in our house. We had the air conditioner replaced last fall (ok, our landlord had it replaced) but as the temps are rising here in New Orleans, the air conditioner is not keeping up with the temp we set. I am annoyed. I like my house to be frigid when it’s time to sleep – better sleeping weather, I say! I prefer winter, when we don’t turn on the heater and throw an extra blanket on the bed. I digress.
The temperature is not the only reason I cannot sleep. I visited with my psychiatrist last week and told him about me being sleepy during the day time and not being able to sleep at night time. The day time sleepiness, he couldn’t quite explain other than not getting enough sleep at night. The night time awake schedule was more up his alley. My mind races at night. I think about all the things that were said to me during the day and all the things that were left unsaid. I explained this to my doctor and he said I am experiencing some anxiety. It was such a simple explanation and I didn’t really realize that I have been seriously dealing with anxiety for a while now. I have a medicine I take for anxiety PRN (or as needed) and I try and take it sparingly because I don’t want to build up a tolerance or an addiction. My doctor doesn’t want that either and prescribes me 2 months worth of pills for 3 months of not seeing him. In an extreme situation, I could contact the pharmacy and get them to contact him for another prescription, but I don’t want to be THAT patient, so I choose what I take when it’s extreme.
Except, I can’t sleep at night. My mind is racing. So, my doctor prescribed me sleeping pills. The first night they worked kind of okay, but ever since then they have done nothing. I do believe they keep me asleep during the night (as I would wake multiple times during my sleep), but I am frustrated because I want them to knock me the fuck out. I don’t think that is how those drugs were designed to work. I’m not taking Ambien because I was too scared that I would get in the car and drive and not remember it, but given how I have reacted to this particular medication, I say bring on the Ambien. I’m very frustrated. I just want to sleep and not fall asleep at work in the mornings.
I actually kind of fell asleep at work during a phone conference meeting and my boss noticed. I was so embarrassed and he made a note of talking to me about it. It opened up a whole can of worms, at least in my mind, and I told him my doctor (he doesn’t know what kind of doctor) prescribed me sleeping pills. It’s not helping. So, I don’t know if I should continue taking the pills with the hopes that they will help, or give up on them. I’m not one for taking a pill just because your doctor said you could. I take pills because my doctor says I have to. There is a big difference in that.
Also, I’m working in construction as a project manager. Ok, there, I said it. I am the only girl/woman/female working in a giant group of men. They are crass and outspoken and like to tease me. I should take it as a compliment that they are paying attention to me but my bipolar brain reads into it sometimes like they are frustrated with my existence.
I do like a couple of guys that surround me. They are always very enthusiastic and call me by my name. I am still learning their names, but the security guard is my favorite. He tells me he is looking out for me. Perhaps he is worried about my safety with all these men, or he is just really nice. I don’t know but I enjoy our conversations. He’s a joy.
Ok, I’m going to try to go to sleep now. I just thought while I was up, I would clue you in on what is currently going on in my world. I hope you all are happy and safe and well. I’m trying very hard not to screw up this job. I appreciate all the well wishes. xo