In my previous post, I conveyed that I recovered alone. While I had to sit with my reality and seriously deal with my demons, I have had a lot of support.
I am blessed with a very supportive family, including my husband, my parents and brothers, in laws, and friends. I am luckier than a lot of people dealing with this same condition. I have had emotional and financial help from both sets of parents and considering what a lot of individuals who suffer with mental illness have, I am luckier than most. If I didn’t have Calico Jack and him providing top notch health insurance and care from my psychiatrist and therapist, I wouldn’t be where I am at.
In saying all of this, I have had to sit with my mind. I think about my mania leading up to my psychotic break and I am embarrassed. My behavior hurt my husband and family and friends.
Speaking of “friends” that I had at the time, they all abandoned me. They say that people have a way of showing their true colors when you go through a crisis.
Abandonment from people that you thought were good friends and would reciprocate the kindness that you showed them simply walked away.
The trash in your life gets taken out eventually.
I have since done some appalling things to friends that I currently have. I was manic during these periods and again, I am embarrassed and remorseful. The difference now is that most of my friends know of my condition and are ridiculously supportive. Even when I am not on my best behavior.
I am currently trying to figure out my meds once again. At this point it is fine tuning the dosage of a new medication I have started taking. Unfortunately, one of the side effects of this medication is suicidal idealization. One more adjustment. This situation is compounded by current personal situations. However, things are improving.
Bottom line: I wouldn’t be where I am with my disorder and with the help I have had. Truly, there are too many people to thank individually.
Ultimately, while I have had tons of support, I am the only one who is in my mind. Obsessive and invasive thoughts are still something I deal with quite often.
But, I am thankful for the love and support I have had and continue to have.
You all know who you are.
So, thank you for loving me.
I love you, too.